Where was I...Oh there I was

Back in time - it was 2002 and everything was changing changing. Mother dead father remarried family fundamentally altered. There was no say no control no input no asking of opinion. Things just happened to me not with me or because of me. Be a good sister, a good daughter a good granddaughter. How dare you think of yourself - there are people who need you, look up to you, be a good role model don't let people down. ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE you can't let your school work suffer pressure pressure pressure. No longer a child but untrusted un trustworthy a headache too selfish and uncaring. Look out for the family life is the family never forget your family. Family is a cage. Flesh is a cage. Hmm you're looking healthy aren't you, be careful your putting on weight don't get fat FAT FAT FAT. Cold sandwhiches on vogels bread - hummus and ham and other shit. Slimy and nauseating all these textures combined together - they make no sense. Why can't I just make my own fucking lunch. Into the bin with you just eat the fruit and water instead. Soon its just breakfast or dinner - have to decide which you can't have both you gluttonous bitch. Sometimes none at all its easy when you are invisible. starve starve starve binge binge starve. So the pattern goes. Don't eat during the week and you can have the weekends off its too hard to hide then anyway. The body shrinks and shrinks and people are happy. So pretty, sexy, slim, so much better now than you were. Its sick you are sick but still people love it. It started so gradually and became so consuming. Adrenaline kicks in you are so superior you have the power baby a will of steel the rest of these whingers have nothing on you. Plus this way you don't have to feel. Every ounce of being is focused on remembering not to eat, caught up in the minutiae of trying to balance input and output. You are different in someways no calory or fat gram or anything counting. Its more intutitive than that. Haven't eaten for 5 days its ok for a binge. Gone for a walk we can eat just a little bit. Everything has a price though. That much you do know. Numb numb numb thats all you are a machine trying to live without its fuel your senses are dulled you don't know empathy anymore just crying and exhaustion. Everything is too much but thats ok you will cope you always do a survivor right? A busy person has time for everything after all and this way you only feel things through a vague haze its not you that person is no longer who you are. YOU have control now. Practicing disorder for order. How fucking pathetic.