the morning after

I am plodding along, and the proud owner of a pair of jeans that actually fit, two pairs of shoes, two bags and two tops thanks to my stepmother who seemed to think I was looking impoverished.

I am angry at you because of everything I went through for you, and the fact you found it so easy to chuck me. I am sad for me because I know I will miss everything that you brought into my life, and that makes me angry all over again because obviously you don't give a damn. So now I am going to mentally detach, put you in a box in my head, lock you away and simply not think about you. I am good at that.

Its a survival mechanism, its weird how I know my own processes so well, I know that by Monday I will be back to normal. If I see you I will probably walk away again because talking to you would break you out of the box in my head, so I will avoid you, again a survival mechanism.

Its easy for me to write this because I know you will never see it.

I am listening to mandarin songs given to me by Hoho, and marvelling at how much my blog has changed. I don't know if its for the better or not, well at least I actually blog now.

Mandarin (the language) reminds me of silk and fans. Hindi always reminds me of spices and drums. Its odd how I make these associations in my head. Japanese makes me think of rice paper. I love music that I can't understand because, of the way you can shape it to mean anything you want. the way her voice goes up here is because she longs for peace of mind and the low husky tones he croons are for love lost and found

I was always one of those children that made up stories about the people around me in my head, I've always been a big people watcher, I don't really do that kind of thing anymore, I wonder why?